I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
