I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
