Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I love you. Go after that dick
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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