Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
