Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
