I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
