Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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