your parents love me but you hate me
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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