This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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