You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
