God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
