my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
