I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
