i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
