I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
