he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
