He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
