I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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