Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
