who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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