fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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