Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
