nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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