Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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