Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
