you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
