I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
