omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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