But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
