Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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