He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
