I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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