I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
