dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
