I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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