Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
