Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
