Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm both gender and math confused
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
