you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
