until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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