I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
