My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
