Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
