Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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