if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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