Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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