Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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