and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
