My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
be right there i have to get my cape
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
