I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
