Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
